


Don't leave it all unsaid

by iamjustakiddo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Autumm 1977, Broody And Angsty Teens, Friends to Lovers, Hogsmead, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Idiots in Love, M/M, Marauders' Era, Not first kiss but it kinda is, Oneshot, Remus handling emotions badly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-29 23:18:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8509405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamjustakiddo/pseuds/iamjustakiddo
Summary: Don't leave it all unsaidsomewhere in the wasteland of your head.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I am not sure what the point of this is but I had the picture of Remus and Sirius in a misty, angsty autumm forest cause that is my apparantly my thing. So I decided to write something little and it has not much plot, to be honest. That was two months ago.  
> English is not my first language, I am sorry for any errors!  
> Enjoy!

 

*

_Call me morbid, call me pale_  
_I've spent six years on your trail_  
_Six long years_  
_On your trail_

_\- Half a Person, The Smiths_

_*_

Hogsmead was drenched in soft sepia-gold by the late autumm sun.

Chimneys poked through the hazy layers of mist like strange, apocalyptic creatures, diving up from white waves. The streets were filled with busy feet and chatting mouths, fingers pointing excitedly here and there.

Sirius and Remus, wrapped in coats and scarves, trodded over the street to an ancient and rusty door, a bell chiming as they entered. James and Peter had left them at Zonko's, fleeing from Remus' hungry eyes, taking in the leatherbound books in the window across the street. To his surprise, Sirius had trailed behind him, leaving his fellow pranksters loot the realm of trickery and jokes on their own.

Remus' fingers were shaking as he picked up a thick volume, eyes burning as they tried to focus on the black symbols in front of him. Usually he preferred browsing on his own, hours of turning pages and pressing his nose into parchment and rough pages. But feeling the other's warmth behind him, the constant rustling of heavy leather jacket, the _thump thump_ of boots, sent shivers down his spine. He felt his throat growing tight and sore.

He realised he had been staring at the title for a minute now and still Remus had no idea what this book was about.

"You like that one?"

Remus jumped slightly as Sirius' voice broke the dense silence. Blinking a few times he loosened his grip which had been a tad too hard. White knuckles shining against dark leather.

Finally he lifted his gaze and furrowed his eyebrows at the boy in front of him, scrambling his brain for words.

"Not really." Remus shrugged and dropped the book back where it belonged, his fingers itching and crawling. Sirius grinned at him, all teeth and charm. His cheeks were slightly flushed from the cold outside and Remus swallowed hard.

"Don't let yourself be stopped by my presence, Moony." Sirius said while Remus moved to another shelf. As he turned his back to Sirius, his neck felt prickly and hot.

"I am not. I just don't want to spend any money today." he answered and lifted a hand as Sirius opened his mouth.

"And your's neither, Pads." Abruptly he turned back to the door and ripped it open forcefully.

The books had lost their appeal.

Remus was surprised that he hadn't gagged up his heart yet.

Cold air hit his skin and he breathed in deeply, yet the tightness in his chest did not cease. He glanced beside him to see Sirius wrapping his scarf closer around his throat, pale fingers gripping soft fabric in elegant ease. They strolled down the bustling street, avoiding shoulders of other students, and curling their noses at the scent of baked pumpkin and hot apple cider.

"Don't you want to join the others?" Remus asked as they passed Zonko's , his eyes flickering from the crowd at the door to Sirius again. He caught the boy already looking at him and resisted the urge to clutch his stomach, laying down in the dirt, curling up.

Nausea overtook him.

"Not especially, no. Care for a cig?"

Sirius didn't seem having the desire to explain himself and as they reached the edge of the village, Remus finally accepted his fate. Without raising his head he nodded, watching his steps, rustling leaves drawing and pulling him between the haze-covered trees. They stopped at a clearing, the honeyed sun of English autumm barely broke past the layers of mist. Majestic trunks reached their fingers above them and Remus blinked up, inhaling deeply.

He felt Sirius putting a hand to his lips, inviting him to take the cigarette. Skin brushed against skin for a short moment as Remus parted his lips slightly, locking his eyes with the other's. Half of Sirius' face was hidden in the shadows, yet the shock of burning eyes made his heart clench. With a slight lift in the corners of his mouth, Sirius cupped his hand across Remus' cigarette and mumbled something. The spark lit up their faces and Remus felt it in his skull, tearing and soaring. He leaned back against the tree after Sirius had stepped away and watched him fumbling for his own.

They stood there for a while, curling smoke leaving their lips and joining together in a peculiar dance.

"I am going to buy you a book anyway." Sirius declared into the silence, tracing dark tracks into the bark beside Remus' shoulder.

The latter laughed silently, taking a deep drag and setting his eyes on him.

"I know you will. But do it when I am not present, please. I won't be there to witness it, making it not my business what you spend your money on."

Sirius rolled his eyes at him, tilting his head and raising a noble eyebrow.

"You wouldn't be able to stop me even if you tried.", he smirked and bumped their shoulders playfully. Knowing there was no arguing against that, Remus just snorted and averted his eyes again. All sensations had left his knees, making it a miracle he was still standing.

"It seems like this is your way of getting through life and out of detention. Making it not your business." Sirius added thoughtfully.

Remus turned towards the edge of the forest. In the gloomy light he could make out the Shrieking Shack crowning the top of a small hill in a fair distance. He felt his hair rising as a shiver crawled down his spine. Sirius exhaled gently, a huff of smoke clouding Remus' vision.

"To be honest, I don't understand why McG still let's you through with this charade, after all these years." he continued amused and Remus could almost feel his eyes drawing gentle lines on the back of his head, between his shoulderblades.

"Maybe it's my convincing and trustworthy face?" he offered and ignored Sirius snorting with disbelief.

"How could I have stopped James and Sirius when I wasn’t there? Oh, Professor, where have I been you ask? In the library, I believe. Or was it the owlery?"

Remus felt a smile tugging at his lips when Sirius' laughter spilled over the dead clearing, curling around his ears pleasantly.

"She can not possibly be that daft to not notice who really is pulling the strings here. Maybe you can convince Frank. But her? Never."

"And yet I still get less detention than James and you."

Remus took another drag, his eyes still hooked on the contorted silhouette. Leaves crunched and rustled as Sirius stood beside him, his cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth. Lips curled lazily, hollowed cheeks painting shadows on his face and Remus dragged his eyes away painfully- maybe there was something scratching down his heart, slowly and deeply.

"You do that often, you know." Sirius began quietly, as if sinking a toe into water to feel its temperature.

It was very cold.

"Ignoring stuff you don't want to see, hear or feel. You must be aware that you can not hold these things off for long, right? One day it will explode in your face and it will be too sticky to wash off easily."

Remus let out a breathy chuckle, feeling his guts clenching and turning.

"And other things Sirius Black has told me in the middle of a dark forest." The words left his lips too easily, too casually, hiding every tremor and turmoil that was coiling underneath his skin. Sirius cocked his head and flashed an innocent smile at him, sharp angles softened by the haze around them. Flicking his stub away, Remus took a deep breath.

He pressed his lips together or else the thing - that dark, scaly _thing_ , all teeth and claws inside his chest - would burst out, rip his ribcage wide open.

Bare to the naked eye.

For everyone to see.

Feeling the other boy shift beside him, he knew that an answer was inevitable.

"I don't know what you mean." His lungs were burning - were there fingers reaching down his throat?

Avoiding the eyes that were now fixed hard on his face, Remus chucked a stone with his boot, watching it skip away into growing shadows.

"McGonnagall knows you don't live under a rock. And so do I, Remus."

The sound of his own name made his toes curl and sensations pooled lower and lower, almost dragging him.

"It's not you I am trying to convince."

A huff of disbelief hit his cheek and he closed his eyes, waiting for the blow with clenched fists. 

"Of course not. Same as you are pretending to not realise that James and Pete have left us alone on purpose. Same as you carry on, acting as if nothing has changed while indeed, everything has changed. Same as you try to avoid my eyes when I look at you. Sometimes you are just not as convincing as you'd like to appear, Moony."

A strange void filled his head as the following silence was only broken by the rustling of leaves and quiet breaths. Those were the only things that assured Remus he wasn't in fact drowning and hallucinating.

He knew if this were one of those romance novels, they would talk about it, declare their love for each other and have their first kiss, a rain of rosepetals and a choir - hallelujah!

But this was no such novel.

He barely registered turning his head to look at Sirius, feeling a thin cool finger trace silver scars across the bridge of his nose, leaving burning trails. Long buried emotions crashed over Remus in a brutal wave, ripping him from forest and mind.

*

They had been thirteen when Sirius had placed a childish peck on his lips, joyous about finding the right book on Animagi.

Remus would recall this moment first thing he woke up after a full moon. Somehow it made the pain more bearable.

Being fourteen a year later filled his life with adolescent thoughts and whims. Remus could not even say when it had begun. Maybe it was when Sirius had returned to their fourth year at Hogwarts, all sharp angles and spilling hair, his hands constantly drawing Remus' attention to themselves. Not even at night they left his thoughts, ghosting over his skin. He could still felt the shame in his joints when he had realised it had been all a dream.

James had suggested a fun little game in fifth year, which involved a spinning bottle and a room full of teenagers, their minds warped with hormonal and emotional tangles. Laughter had burst through Remus' ears as the head pointed at him.

The kiss had been sloppy, clumsy hands pulling him closer and firewhiskey burning his mouth and veins. The next morning, both Sirius and Remus weren't sure if it had truly happened or not. Obviously they both had the same dream, what else could it be.

Neither one of them had made the effort to approach the subject. The time following, Remus had gone searching for distractions, desperately kissing girls behind bookshelves. Their lips were soft and sweet, yet his mind still wandered back to long, fine-boned fingers.

In sixth year there had been Marlene and the unused broom-cupboard that left him sticky and flushed, with a deep void where his heart should beat.

When he had seen Marlene and Sirius lounging on an armchair together a month later, he felt it in all the edges of his body.

Yes, of course, because Marlene had nice lips and curves.

Of course _not_ because of the way Sirius' hair shone in the flickering flames or the blush staining his cheeks that Remus wanted to scratch off him desperately.

At the end of the schoolyear she had left and four of them remained once more, everything was as usual.

They talked, they laughed and they cried. Remus let Sirius hug him, let him rest his head on his lap and punched him when necessary.

Why change the constant stability it provided?

Last summer James had invited them over to his house. Remus had felt the summer-dry air on his tongue, grass itching his neck as the four of them lay on their backs. Pete had pointed and James had commented, picking each star above them apart and harmonizing them into another pattern. Sirius had shifted beside him, and then he had felt soft strands of hair tickling his temple, saw not the lights above but Sirius' eyes shining down on him, just as bright.

After that it had been a blur of gasps and conjoining lips, cool fingers pulling and tugging him apart. Remus had not talked about that night since then. James meaningful looks floated past him, like irritating oily soap-bubbles.

*

All Remus wished now was a hazy warm night, where an excuse of being dazed by heat would be accepted, or firewhiskey to drown out all his senses. He could feel the world dropping off his feet as he finally pulled Sirius closer by his scarf, pressing their lips together. The taste of coffee and smoke filled his mouth, his lungs, every fibre of his body.

Were those fingers holding him together so he wouldn't fall apart, or were they actually ripping him into pieces?

It was all the same to him.

_*_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading and please tell me in the comments what you thought! Any suggestions for improvements are welcome!


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